Intrusive thoughts and what I do when I have them.
As I said many times, I want to use this platform to talk about how I feel and maybe others will be able to see themselves and maybe understand that they are not alone. I keep telling myself that I am strong, I can take anything. But that is absolutely not true. It is hard at times for me to understand my weaknesses and how to cope with things that sometimes life throw at me. My mother used to say to me that the day I would start working, my thoughts about mortality, meaning and purpose would go. She said that they were there because I needed a job that would occupy my mind. I guess she was coming from a good place and just wanted to help me. But the truth is that those thoughts are inside of me, no matter how many hours a day I work, no matter how many projects I do.
They are there, they buzz around my ears all the time and they are loud, so loud. I found meditation to be very healthy for me as well as using apps such as Calm.
There have always been ups and downs. And I do accept that, I accept also the fact that these thoughts are here and the best thing I can do is explore them without letting them overcome my life. Sometimes it happens, and when it does, I bring myself back to the present moment. It is not easy to do, it's actually very hard and it needs so much practice. I do not want to be here lying and saying "just meditate" because it is not easy. But maybe, give it a go. Every day.
I have scary thoughts at times, thoughts that I really do not want to be there and they are so overwhelming. And the worst part is looking around and feeling utterly alone in this. And this is why I want to write and show my art and poems. Because I know what it means to be alone, I know what it means to think that you do not fit anywhere. I know what it means to suffer and not being able to tell others what is happening.
There are other things that I do when these thoughts come. I reach out to friends and I tell them what I might be feeling and they share their experiences with me or they just listen. I know that not everyone has the luck to have people around them who can listen to them. It used to be like this for me when I was a teenager. I had to keep everything inside myself because I thought that no one understood me.
Art is a tool that literally saved me. Creating art and writing poetry is a life saver. Since I was a child I loved painting or writing. I would write stories and just lose myself into them. I was never good at painting, but I found a method that allowed me to express myself and it is working for me.
When these thoughts come, I like to read as well or just simply have a bath.
I hope you are all having a good week and if not, do not give up.