Fear of success and new adventures.
I wanted to do write a blog for a long time, but I never had the courage. What was stopping me? Myself.
Every time I wanted to do something special, something that nurtured me and something that gave me value, I felt inside of me that I could not do it. I did not hear a little voice inside my head telling me "no", it was a general feeling all over my body that would stop me from doing things. I blamed myself, I was so angry at my self for not doing what I really wanted to do, for allowing myself to be my biggest competitor and worst enemy. For example, as I was writing these lines I got up a few times and I started doing something else. I was, once again, sabotaging myself. I understood, with years, that the reason why I sabotage myself is not that I am afraid of failure. I am afraid of success. I do not believe I am the only one who feels like this. Obviously, my thoughts run wild and I start thinking stuff like "no one cares about me, why should I write" and at that moment, I freeze because my outer esteem hurts. Therefore I understood that maybe it does not matter if no one cares about me or what I have to say as long as I care, as long as my mental health stays on track and manageable, as long as I nurture myself. As long as I know that what I am doing benefits me and brings me calm, then I am on the right track. I often felt discouraged because I would look around me and I would see people doing amazing things with their lives and I would look at myself and feel useless, instead of getting up and going for it. It was not due to "laziness" but due to the fact that I would compare myself on and on to others and I would lose the sense of who I am. By doing so, I would put myself down, despite achieving my personal goals such as graduating with a First Class Honours.
The reason why I always wanted to have a blog is that I feel the need to write. It is something inside of me so strong that needs to be somewhere. Despite writing scripts, documentaries and poetry, I never embarked myself in the blogging journey. Now that I am ready I want to share my journey with you, a journey full of falls but also hope and strength. I want to network with people, I want to get out my comfort zone and explore who I am as a human and maybe, inspire people to get through the day.
I will be covering a broad range of topics, I know that bloggers, experts and basically everyone says to find one topic and stick with that. But this blog's aim is not to inform about a topic, rather explain the day to day life for someone who feels a lot. I want to discuss arts, mental health, literature and other components of my life which can be relatable to yours. I might be saying contradicting things but that is who I am. It is not a justification but rather an explanation of the fact that inside we have multitudes and they deserve to be heard.
I said a lot of things for now, things that I will cover more in depth as I go along this journey with myself and you.
I wish you all the best,